


behind the scene

by angree_baratheon



Category: True Beauty - Yaongyi (Webcomic), 여신강림 | True Beauty (Korea TV)
Genre: F/M, Family Bonding, Gen, Mentions of Mental Illness, and suho tries to cope with abandoning her, au where suho and jugyeong didn't get together immediately, because i just wanna portray its dynamic!!!, heavily features the lee family, portrayal of dysfunctional family, slowburn for endgame
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:27:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29212650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angree_baratheon/pseuds/angree_baratheon
Summary: “So, you’re dating my intern.”“Noona,” Suho acknowledges. “No hello?”“Hello,” Selena parrots. “You’re dating my intern.”Behind the scene, Selena and Suho navigates through absent family members and its consequences — including themselves. Follows primarily through the K-Drama, re-writing of final episode. Included details and references from webtoon. Slowburn Suho and Jugyeong, featuring the Lee family dynamics and Suho's mental health.
Relationships: Jugyeong Lim/Suho Lee, Lee Suho & Lee Selena, Suho Lee & Selena Lee
Comments: 10
Kudos: 44





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i'm really out here paving my own canon, huh? still figuring out if this works in the same universe as 'loved you in the darkness, loved you in fluorescent lights' - but maybe not??? we'll see.
> 
> headcanons i'm including: suho actually finished his studies. he got accepted into MIT's engineering program. selena is smarter than suho - if suho's a genius, she's the prodigy. suho """"joked""" that maybe selena should get into MIT instead later in this fic, but she was accepted into harvard and studied law for several years before she dropped and decided to pursue a career as a make-up artist.

“So, you’re dating my intern.”

“Noona,” Suho acknowledges. Lee Selena drops her wallet on the table, sits, and starts to take her earrings off. It’s a little - irritating, but fitting somehow, how she looks like she’s home, even though Suho knows she doesn’t have high opinion on the studio apartment. “No hello?”

“Hello,” Selena parrots. “You’re dating my intern.”

Suho doesn’t answer her.

Selena rolls her eyes, “That, or you’re stalking her.”

“It’s a long story,” Suho doesn’t want to talk about this. There’s just - something about looking at Selena that reminds him of the hollowness he’s been trying to keep at bay. All those time staring solemnly from Father’s hospital room out to the window, missing Jugyeong. Missing Seojun.

And how Selena would come by sometimes. How she never quite judged him, but it’s - similar. Her staring is just as heavy still.

“She was the girl you kept staring at in your phone,” Selena quips. She’s smart. She’s always been smart. Smarter than Suho, even.

Maybe she’s the one who should’ve gotten into MIT, Suho thinks quite depressingly, not really knowing where’d he put the acceptance letter. In a drawer somewhere. Blue file, right? Or was it green?

“Was she the one you left behind?”

“Was that the reason you decided to hire her as an intern?” Suho shoots back, now sitting across from her. He’s serious. And he knows she knows that he’s serious. Suho suddenly feels a wave of guilt coming back like waves to the shore - was his family’s influence directing Jugyeong’s life? Would this be called manipulation? Would this mean he has the upper-hand, again living only in the shadows of his family while they place him in their lives however they see fit?

Because he doesn’t want that. Not with Jugyeong. Never with Jugyeong.

“I thought she looked familiar,” comes the ugly confession from Selena. _Fuck_ , Suho thinks, already feels like he could cry. He wants to chase her out, wants to have this upcoming panic attack in his own company, but Selena leans back against the chair. Her hair flops with her movement. “But no - she applied like most interns did. And I see a potential in her.”

Suho’s eyes glance up.

 _So, you see it,_ apart of him bites in relief.

“Plus, she’s a fan. She said it several times, in fact.” He knows. After all, wasn’t he the one bugging Selena for her touring schedule a few years ago just so he could prepare the surprise for Jugyeong? “She’s been disappointing me lately, though.”

“She has?” Was it because of him? He’d come back uninvited, he’d return like he never left. Right. _Stupid_. Why had he thought that was ever okay? Shit, what if Selena fires her? Would it be because of him? Suho’s stomach drops. “She’s - she’s been having a hard time—”

“Why are you making excuses for her, baby brother?”

Selena’s voice comes out in steel. Suho thinks he recognises it; sometimes he mimics it. Where had they gotten it from, he wonders? By themselves? Because Father was always charming, and their mother .... she was always so gentle-hearted. But not Lee Selena and Lee Suho. They’re made differently; they came out jagged and sharp.

“I’m not,” Suho argues, but that’s a lie, he knows.

Selena doesn’t buy it.

“You’re lucky we’re related and you don’t work for me,” She stands up then, caresses his face. Just like she would do back then, whenever she finds him hiding in the crooks and quiet places of their family villa, trying to hide from the world. She grasps at him like she wants so desperately to save him, _save her little brother_ , but they’re both so helpless, hands tied behind their backs. What could she have done about a father who wasn’t there? How could she have played the role of a mother when that wasn’t hers?

And then Selena left to study. Suho was on his own again.

“I won’t give her special treatments if that’s what you’re worrying about.” Selena says a moment later, passing him to enter the kitchen. Suho could see now that there are boxes that she’s brought splayed on the table. Cookware, utensils, plates and cups: all in new white boxes wrapped in plastic.

He touches it.

Suho feels bad, for a second, that he found her irritating at all.

“Whether she dates you or don’t, it won’t affect how I oversee the people who works under me.”

Suho feels the tightness in his chest breaks apart. _Good_ , he thinks. That was the one thing he knew he could’ve counted on his sister, that she rarely plays around when it comes to the reputation she built, the career she had, but - it still unnerves him. Is this really a good thing? Shouldn’t Jugyeong has some benefits, after all?

“You should tell her,” Selena’s voice grows softer. Suho looks to her sister: his fierce, determined older sister. Even in the face of gentleness, she has the foundation of a solid concrete and metal. Storms couldn’t have tumbled her down. Suho wishes, a little desperately, that he could have only a minuscule of that strength for himself. “That we’re related. Or you’ll drive yourself mad with thinking you deceived her.”

Suho doesn’t say anything.

“Have you taken your medication?”

“I was going to have dinner first,” He tells her, taking hold of the boxes in plastic and carrying it over to the kitchen counter. Selena’s effort is seamless; she receives what he puts down, and begins to unpack. Suho could only follow.

“Good. I’ll have dinner with you.”

Suho looks down, slows his own movement.

“Noona,” he calls, suddenly feels as if he has a fist right in his throat, and he’s working his voice around it. Suho feels like he’s back to being ten years old, scared, and not being sure who to hold. Their grandmother, Selena herself, or the ghost of their parents. “Thank you.”

“Do you love her?” She asks instead, without even looking up. “The intern.”

He doesn’t hesitate. “So much.”

“Then be careful, baby brother.” She’s strict. Never one for sentimentality. Almost like Jugyeong’s own sister, Heegyeong, except there’s always warmth in the Lim family, and how they move and talk and communicate. The Lees, not so much. “Don’t overdo it. I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“Jugyeong doesn’t hurt me,” not like he has. The pain inside his chest blooms.

“That doesn’t mean you can’t hurt yourself.” Again, the sharpness in the way she replies. Selena means business. Suho probably should gets used to this - but he just isn’t.

“Thank you,” Suho whispers, but he feels inadequate. Like it isn’t enough. He’s right - he can’t look at Selena for too long. All those time in the hospital, all those moment he almost called. _She knows too much about him_ , his sister, and Suho’s not used to it.

(But maybe it _is_ a good thing. Maybe it’s - nice, even, to know he’s seen by his family. That Selena always comes back, no matter the time and place. The sister who did save him: finding him this place after he didn't want to be with Grandmother anymore, setting up his therapy sessions, forcing him to finish his studies.)

“Thank you, Noona.”

“Silly boy. Stop crying. Here—” Selena hands an open set of spoons and forks. “Put this away.”

Suho does.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> am i posting this second chapter three hours after i just published this fic? yes, i am. i have no impulse control. i thought we established this. now i know some people might go, "but bella, why do u feel the need to re-write episode 16? it was perfect; they were endgame" but honestly? i just wanna.
> 
> i feel like they sorta rushed through them getting back together, like how pointless it was that seojun couldn't really even finish the three dates that he requested, not really, and ......... as much as i appreciated suho apologising, i just, idk. i feel like from the webtoon, we see suho being so careful with everything he does, especially when it comes to his feelings for jugyeong - he's so considerate of all parties involved, and he's so? sensitive? but then,,,, episode 15 and 16, he wasn't? not rlly?
> 
> and yeah, coupled with how i want to acknowledge selena, i figure it's a good compromise because i could explore the dynamics of suho and selena as siblings — since i've always been intrigued with how the lee family operates cause they arent,, close?? if they were selena would've been introduced much earlier, but they still take care of each other in this specific way of theirs and i've wanted to write that for ages — while suho slowly builds his confidence again and faces jugyeong without expecting blatant romance to resume, no matter if jugyeong still has feelings or otherwise. (i'm hoping to explore this too)
> 
> in any case, dialogues in italics are them back-and-forth in japanese because i'm following webtoon-canon that suho and selena are third-generation korean-japanese.

“Maybe Dad should be back in Korea.”

It’s stupid. A thoughtless suggestion. Suho knows immediately that it’s something inconsiderable the moment it leaves his mouth, but there’s a childish sort of stubbornness in him that has him stares straight at his sister again. It’s a good thing Selena’s at an event, and not in her store.

Suho isn’t sure yet how to face Jugyeong.

Not after witnessing the hug that she shared with Seojun.

Selena, however, doesn’t seem amused. She rarely ever does. Only towards the cameras, perhaps. Only when it is asked of her professionally. Suho suddenly feels small - at least there is something that Selena could still smile about, genuine or not. At least there is something that pushes her to put in an effort in any way that could be.

What does Suho has? An acceptance letter, and bunch of e-mails back-and-forth requesting for a deferment.

Fortunately, she doesn’t voice out that she may just be annoyed that he’s here, ambushing her on set. Selena usually knows that Suho could behave, but years ago, it’d been his own request that they don’t make their familial relationship known. Suho isn’t like their father and Selena; he can’t stand the spotlight. Doesn’t understand the appeal of being in the centre of attention.

The fact that she doesn’t point out his hypocrisy — well, Suho can’t thank her enough, feeling sorry that he’d put her in a slightly compromising position. Lately, that’s all he ever think of doing: thanking someone, then being sorry that he had to in the first place.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Selena looks at him from the mirror. Someone from the wardrobe department is fixing something on her clothes. She adds, in fluent Japanese, “ _You know Dad can’t travel that far yet._ ”

He knows, but — 

Suho bites his tongue. He’s lost the argument. He doesn’t know what’s happening with him lately. The recklessness at booking the ticket to Korea, the determination to chase after Jugyeong whom _he_ _dumped_ , and then - then asking this. Asking something so stupid. All for what, the promise of searching for something he’s missing? Of finding peace in his past? Doctor Anne, his therapist, has just been spreading false promises.

Suho just feels like a wreck.

(He had thought of it, hadn’t he? That there’s a chance that she might’ve moved on. She might’ve met someone new, someone better. He thought he’d have the guts, the will, to fight for her still. _To_ , dumbly he thought, _seduce_ , maybe, if he had to. But that was all just fake confidence. The moment Jugyeong was in someone else’s arms, the moment he knew it was Seojun, Suho had walked away. What else could he have done? He did this to himself. He essentially gave the permission.)

(Even though he knew Seojun was lying after. He must be. Or - or even if he wasn’t, what if it was true, that Suho’s too late anyways? That he ripped off his chance the moment he ended that phone call, two years ago, and never call her again?)

“ _What are you thinking?_ ” Selena asks — no, demands — her gaze is piercing.

“ _Just,_ ” Suho feels his throat tightens around air. He swallows it down, but it still - hurts, somehow. “ _He’s alone._ ”

Selena rolls her eyes. “ _He’s a grown adult. He can take care of himself, baby brother._ ”

Can he? Suho isn’t so sure. Selena wasn’t really the one who had to spoon-fed their father, to help change him everyday so he could stay clean and not develop bedsore, the one who talked to him everyday when he finally did wake up. No, anything about his father directly had been Suho’s part to care for.

Selena had only come and go, visiting only to see if Suho was fed himself, that the tutors still come in, that the bills are paid, and Dad’s nurses aren’t stealing from them.

She was the silent partner: she relentlessly provide or care for on any whim their stay in US has caused them, but the distant she kept between father and herself is still ocean-wide, father being sick or not.

 _I have no family_ , he remembers telling once to Lim Jugyeong. He wonders if Selena often feels the same way.

 _More so_ , he reminisces in guilt, _that Suho often asks her to not reveal them to the public_. And believing that she’d been comfortable, anyways, being so far away from him. After all, wasn’t it after she left to study on her own that Selena truly soared? Without having to hover over her little brother, Selena touched the sky, reached the top.

But instantly, Suho feels a wave of nausea from thinking so.

No - Selena may have been harsh, and straightforward at times. The sister who doesn’t tolerate small mistakes. But he knows more than anyone that they’ve only got another, if no one else, in this world. That, at the very least, when Dad turned his back, when Mom was gone, he could still trust in her, as much as she trusts in him.

Selena didn’t soar without him — she soars because of him.

She told him this. He has to remember it.

“ _Right,_ ” Suho answers - tongue-tied. “ _I’m just needlessly worrying._ ”

“ _No,_ ” Selena’s reply is quick. This time, when Suho faces her, he isn’t looking at a reflection. Selena has their mother’s face, all round and long, but hers doesn’t come with mother’s gentleness. No, hers are set in a calculating frown. Suho wonders if that’s how he looks sometimes.

Cold.

“ _You want Dad here as an excuse,_ ” Suho doesn’t know what he expects. That Selena might not notice, or maybe, if his luck was good, that she won’t acknowledge it. He looks to the ground. Selena speaks again, “ _Why?_ ”

Suho doesn’t answer.

“ _Do you not want to go back to the US?_ ” Selena asks, and it almost hits home. Almost. Suho looks up, and he knows that she’s aware how close she is to being right.

She flips her hair. “ _You still have to go back either way. You were accepted to MIT._ ”

 _MIT_. Any other Koreans, or any other person really, would jump ecstatically, would smile, at the mention of having an acceptance letter to the university - but all Suho does is swallow around a heartache. Since when have the United States feel so much like a quicksand - one flight over, and it’s like he’s threatened to be there for years, away from—

 _From Jugyeong_ , but he’s trying not to think about that.

Selena shakes her head. Scoffs. “ _You want him here because you want a reason to stay._ ”

He looks to her.

She knows.

Selena, for a split second, abandons her tough look. She reaches over and ruffles his hair. Like he’s ten years old again, like she’s merely promising him that she’s just a couple of doors away if he ever has nightmares about their mom again. “ _You don’t have to use Dad to be in Korea, Suho._ ”

It feels like he should.

Why else would he roam here, anyways? He thought he’d come back to see what he could do with the relationship he burned, but he’s thoughtless to not think that he might return to a land of ashes.

And Seojun... — Suho thinks with a pained chest, _if it could be anyone, he wouldn’t have minded it to be Seojun_. If that’s who Jugyeong chooses, then - what else could he have done? Move on, maybe.

Find a purpose.

“ _What else am I doing here, then?_ ” Suho asks in a broken whisper, feeling tears prickling at the edges of his eyes. His mask of indifference, of the lover, of the praiseable son, cracking.

Selena sighs, heavy. “I told you not to get yourself hurt, baby brother.”

She sits next to him, pulls him into a hug, and Suho, he can’t help himself - he weeps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i want to explore a meet, finally, between suho and jugyeong in this au where they don't immediately get together in the next chapter! i hope everyone can look forward to it （っ＾▿＾)っ


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in this chapter, i changed the direction of suho's conversation to match his energy from the webtoon more, that is, just him being super sensitive, super considerate, and he highkey loves his friends so much in such a lowkey way, and the story diverges pretty much from there because the conversation leads him to make different choices afterwards. this is also assuming seojun didn't let jugyeong go as per the k-drama, and want them to finish their dates - hence, the scene where jugyeong ran to suho because seojun lied to her about suho leaving doesn't happen.

For a while, Suho doesn’t do much except studying.

He contemplates sticking with his sister, even if it means he has to follow the tiring schedule Selena always has line up, and the long hour on sets, and being in a place with people he doesn’t know gawking at them. But that train of idea dies quickly. He can’t bother Selena.

 _And, plus_ , he considers with this heavy sense of dread, _he really doesn’t want to run into Jugyeong._

He hasn’t - though he’s tempted to. He could just waltzed in, he thinks a couple of time, there at the bookstore they always met, and if Jugyeong’s there, maybe he can steal some of her time. Can ask for - a coffee. Or tea. Or whatever she would like and maybe they could talk.

Maybe even over a ramen, like that moment when they reunited the first time.

 _But he left her_ , he thinks with a piercing regret.

He left her, and the one who cared for Jugyeong all the while had been - Seojun. And Suho has to understand this, has to accept it; even if apart of him hoped that Seojun was right when he seemed to determine that Jugyeong will only be rejecting him by the end. Still, he had told Seojun to go for it. Good luck.

“Are you crazy?” Seojun had sounded so offended that night for some reason, and it broke Suho’s heart. How long had he kept his feelings inside, this friend of his, how much pain had Seojun endured, and how massive had the courage been for Seojun to finally make his feelings known? Too long, too much, and too many.

Suho likes to think he’s cold - but not heartless.

“No,” He told Seojun that night, a small smile surprisingly comes up to his face and Suho realised he wasn't lying. He didn't want to hurt Seojun any longer. “You love her, too. You need to do it right. Go for it. Try your best.”

Seojun had looked taken aback. Gaping. “Wah,” He managed after a minute. Suho sipped on his drink. “You’ve changed. What happened in America?”

Has he? Suho feels like he’s stuck in time, always. Like he’s desperate to be at the same pace as everyone, but he keeps missing the steps. He keeps falling behind. He’s still doing the same thing he’s always done. Half-mourning for the mistakes he can’t seem to correct, and half-in-wait. As if his life is on pause, and any time now, someone will reach the remote and hit it to play.

“Nothing,” he assured Seojun. “I’m just your friend, too.”

Seojun had seemed flabbergasted, like he hadn’t expect that particular explanation to spill from Suho’s mouth. But how can it not? Suho’s hurt enough people since the beginning — always a little too slow, always a little too sharp or dismissive, always too much in his head — it’s time to stop.

He has to understand. Seojun had held back for _two years_ , all for Suho’s sake, and Suho can’t - he can’t be responsible for it anymore. Can’t hold it against Seojun just because he felt what he felt, and pursued something he’d always second-guessed merely out of respect to their friendship.

Isn’t it time for Suho to return the favour?

That was nights ago. Or had it been a week? Suho isn’t sure. Time blurs easily in between unpacking, seeing Selena and crying, sorting out issues at the embassy, waiting at a certain set of time to call Dad, then updating his therapist about what he’s been up to and how he’d been feeling — which, not great. But aside from getting to the root of what’s causing him his anxiety, nothing much changes.

Suho takes his pills. Still struggles finding things to fill his time with. Sometimes he still sleep for long hours and wake up at times he really shouldn’t be. He knows it can’t be jet-lag, though. He knows it’s just - his meds, maybe. Or it’s his head.

So, he starts studying.

He goes to a famous bookstore instead of the one he always knew, the one he’s scared he’ll bump into Jugyeong in, and he picks up exercises book — the one he’s so familiar with, but also seems so foreign at the same time. In the US, all of the textbooks are in English. Here, the Korean alphabets are crisp and clear. It makes him smile for some reason, makes his heart ache in familiarity.

Suho picks up maths, and some physics. He’s always liked calculating. It’s easy, straight to the point.

For a while, it - isn’t so bad.

Seojun texts him everyday, asking him how he is and threatens to barge in every time he’s late in replying. Suho - doesn’t know what to say, most of the time. Not necessarily due to the topic of Jugyeong, either, but more because he’s not sure how to start explaining to Seojun that there would be days where he thinks he won’t ever answer any messages or phone calls simply because he won’t even have the energy to reach for anything but lay there, empty, on his bed.

Those days are hard, and his head is heavy.

But so far, Seojun’s own busy schedule keeps him busy, distracted. He doesn’t have to go running around caring for everybody else. Suho shouldn’t be, but - he’s glad for it.

Taehoon texts him too, and that - still surprises Suho.

 _Best Friend,_ Taehoon would call him, but what’s so good about him, he wonders? Even after all these years? Even after the way Suho left, and never responded no matter the amount of pictures and links to some random game Taehoon would give him?

 _Maybe I should set a time,_ he thinks briefly, checking the schedules he has lined up.

 _And maybe_ , he thinks a little sadly, _I should finally change my number, too_.

The only reason he’d kept it was — was the same reason he still sometimes want to go to the roof, still has the studio where Seyeon’s pictures sat by the piano. He’s still stuck in the past. Still hopes, for some odd reason, he goes back to being eighteen and never ending that phone call with Jugyeong the way he did.

 _Maybe I should consider moving_ , Suho thinks, sitting back and leaning in his chair. These walls have too many memories, too many things he can no longer undo. Selena, she - she offered to stay at their family’s place, and it’s big, Suho’s been there before, and it’s comfortable. New. He can start afresh. And, he thinks with more consideration, Selena will be there most days. Even if she would come late, or would have to go out often.

But there’d be _someone_ with him, by the end of the day.

 _I think I want to move in,_ he texts Selena, almost impulsive, but no - not really. Not when it took him about twenty minutes just staring there wondering if he was truly ready to let this apartment go. He’d just settled in, what if it will - get better? What if these blue walls won’t make him feel so sad anymore one of these days?

But then, he gets a reply. _See me tomorrow. I’ll text an address. Let’s have lunch._

It’s - easy, Suho finds. Talking with his sister. He appreciates that she rarely wastes time, and she almost always takes him seriously. She's not - like him. Suho waits so much, and Selena is impatient. Talking with her would... It would be scary, but it would be what he need. Maybe with her attitude, it could help straighten him out too.

Help him focus.

Suho goes to the bookstore again - the one that’s far away, with high ceiling and good lighting, in the city. He takes the car again. He can’t stay in the house; can’t stand having his eyes peering to the lamp with the sticker on, and there’s this absolute silence because his TV doesn’t work anymore. He’d been meaning to have it fix, but he keeps forgetting.

And now the house is too quiet, and his lunch with Selena tomorrow haunts him.

He goes to the bookstore and this is okay, he tells himself, because he’s been meaning to anyways. He’d wanted to smoothen out his Japanese and English, aside from just mindlessly doing calculations and solving equations. Maybe he can take the international exams. That seems like it could fill his time and help in the long-run.

He bumps into Lim Juyeong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sending so much love to everyone who's reading this experiment (⁄ ⁄>⁄ ▽ ⁄<⁄ ⁄)


	4. Chapter 4

Lim Juyeong is taller than Suho remembers.

He’s surprised, eyes wide, and nose flaring. “Oh! Suho!” And he sounds - pleasantly excited to recognise Suho there, just within his reach. Suho tries not to think about the similarities that he could point out when he sees Lim Juyeong, but the brown of their eyes are heartbreakingly similar. Suho wonders, quietly, how Jugyeong is, and if she's eating well.

After the time at the salon, he hadn’t really — he doesn’t contact her anymore.

He can’t. He wouldn’t know what to say. And even if the words come out, he won’t know if it will - fix anything. Or redeem him. He wouldn’t know if he wants that forgiveness, because how could Jugyeong forgive him really? After what he’s done, after the way he left? Especially after Suho couldn’t be there at all.

_But Seojun had been._

Seojun, who had loved so silently and strongly. Suho feels crushed and anxious all at the same time at the thought, so he focuses back on the fast speech of Jugyeong’s exclamation. He’s saying he’s happy seeing Suho there, and that for so long, nobody knew when Suho will come back.

“Come on! Come!” Lim Juyeong said. “Mom will be excited to see you again!”

He shouldn’t, not really.

He remembers coming over when he couldn’t apologise that one time long ago. He didn’t think back then, didn’t consider. All he wanted, so selfishly, was more time with her — but had he truly considered Jugyeong’s feelings? He’d hurt her, and it’s like he doesn’t even care.

 _I hate myself_ , Suho thinks in that split second, eyes hovering to the floor - but Juyeong’s energy is high, and it snatches Suho from sinking deeper into his hurtful thoughts.

“I’m gonna text her right now— oh, no. Maybe I should surprise her! Dad will be home, too. He’ll be glad to see you.” Juyeong says, his face is earnest. That’s what Suho likes most about the Lims. They’re earnest. Chaotic and loud, yes. But their hearts are in the right places. “We’ve all been worried about you.”

“Ah, I shouldn’t intrude—”

“Oh, come on, Hyung!” Lim Juyeong is also relentless. He snatches Suho’s arm, unashamed, and drags them out of the store. Thankfully, a security guard stops them. After all, Suho’s still carrying his unpaid books.

They walk to the counter, and Suho offers to pay for Juyeong’s textbooks.

Juyeong, predictably, sings praises. Although his mood switches quickly afterwards, and he tries again.

“Hyung, you have to.” Suho has half a mind thinking Juyeong might be pouting right now. It’s - endearing. Suho’s never had a younger sibling, and his family aren’t close with their cousins. He’s never experienced someone younger than him acting - spoilt, before. Or insistent of his presence.

And - it’s not because he’s handsome or has the money or his father’s son or anything. It’s simply because they’re worried, and they genuinely want him there.

It’s too much sometimes, the Lims’ affection. Suho doesn’t deserve it.

“Is it because of Jubal? You still haven’t made up with her?” Juyeong isn’t as sensitive - or he doesn’t know. But he must’ve noticed the flinch Suho performs when he’s handing the cashier his card, because he makes a noise afterwards. Like a hum. Like a confirmation. “It’s okay. Jubal’s working on a Saturday. You should come on over.”

 _Saturday?_ Suho frowns. _Is Selena making her work on a Saturday, an intern?_

He comes on over.

It’s hard not to - mainly because Juyeong is persistent, and he’d begged to ride in Suho’s car. Suho doesn’t mind. It’s the first time he gave anyone a ride and it’s - it’s kind of nice. Isn’t this what he wanted anyways? The company? The distraction? And Juyeong is a rowdy companion, but an excellent distraction.

The whole ride home, he fills the talk with the colleges he’s applied, the result that he failed. How he wanted to be a gamer, but how the Lim mother isn’t allowing him to. Now, he isn’t sure what he wants - just that he wants to go to college and follow Han Gowoon to hang out with her.

“Maybe you could work in IT,” Suho finds himself advising somehow. “Or - a programmer. I’m sure there’s market for it. People are using more and more technologies nowadays. You could even have a chance to design your own game or - or something. If that’s what you want.”

“Hyung!” Juyeong shouts. Suho’s suddenly thankful he’s not easily startled. “This must be the brains of a genius in the works! I never really thought of that. Wah, maybe I could research it.”

“Yeah,” Suho somehow smiles. “Do it. Then get back to me.”

They arrive to the Lim family house and whatever calmness the ride over have given him, it vanishes. Suho tries comforting himself in the thought that Jugyeong’s not home, that she’s working even though Suho could not wrap his head around the idea that she has to on a weekend, and that he’s welcomed. Invited, even. But it still - feels wrong.

He remembers this road where Jugyeong flees from him.

How he’d been excited, and he’d chased after her, wanting so much for her to look at him again, because he misses her, _he misses her so much_ — and he’d been so thoughtless, so careless, how could he have been so abrasive? What gave him the right? It’s like they’re eighteen years old again and he keeps fumbling over his mistakes. Keeps not acknowledging them when Jugyeong has been nothing but patient and kind to him.

Why couldn’t he get _one thing_ right?

“Oh, Suho!” Mrs Hong, the Lim mother, is as loud as Suho can recall. And he suddenly remembers the extravagance that comes with their first meeting, but then - the warmness again, the care she puts despite the fact that she could be strict and hot-tempered.

“Oh, Suho,” the way she says his name is like a prayer being answered.

Instantly, she pulls him into a hug and — it’s so sudden. Perhaps Suho should be expecting this, but he didn’t, and it’s too much, Suho’s chest is tight, and how long has it been since someone hugged him like this, full of motherly care, so genuinely happy at seeing him? He can’t remember.

Suho feels like crying.

“Oh Suho, you’ve grown so skinny. Oh, dear. There, there.” She pats his back, and it’s selfish, how he wants to stay in that embrace longer, but he lets Mrs Hong pulls him away. She touches his cheek. Brushes away his long strands of black hair. Tuts. “Oh my, look at this face. So skinny, aigoo. It’s been so long. How are you? When did you get arrive in Korea? How’s your father?”

“Ah, I’ve been fine,” Suho sounds timid. He can’t look at Mrs Hong for too long. Maybe it’s not a good idea agreeing to this. The house is familiar, and like his own house, it’s filled with memories that he can’t forget. “I arrived about ten days ago. I couldn’t visit, sorry - I’ve been busy. And, uh, Dad is okay. He’s receiving rehabilitation right now.”

“Why did you have to be sorry for? Oh my, this boy. I’m sure it must’ve been hard. Honey!” She shouts from the door. “Look who’s here!”

And then Suho’s in.

Mr Lim is as haggard but kind as Suho remembers, standing there in a worn out shirt and a mismatched pants. He looks surprised to see Suho, exclaiming excitedly like the other two members of the Lim family had been, and asks in this astonished tone, as if he couldn’t believe Suho is standing there, how he’s been.

“Does Jugyeongie knows?” Mr Lim asks him ten minutes after they’re settled on the couch, bringing teas in.

Suho feels something inside him sinks, but he nods. “Yes.”

“Oh,” Mr Lim exchanges a glance with Mrs Hong. Suho feels suffocated, sitting there in the middle. Juyeong is chewing on the fruit Mrs Hong and Suho has cut, scrolling down his phone without care, on the other couch.

“Jugyeong didn’t say anything to us,” Mrs Hong supplies, as if Suho couldn’t have figured it out. He tries smiling, but he knows it comes off as - as forced. Something obligatory than it is sincere.

Maybe he was right. Maybe he should’ve just dropped Juyeong off, then drove away quickly. Why had he come here?

Juyeong interrupts. “They haven’t made up yet.”

All three of them look at the youngest. Lim Juyeong continues, barely missing a beat, “Jubal must still be mad. Honestly, though? I don’t blame her.”

“Oi, this damn son of mine, you better watch that mouth—” Mrs Hong is ready to throw a pillow, but Suho stops her.

“No, it’s okay. He’s right.”

“I am?” Juyeong echoes back, blinking in confusion.

“She’s just—” Mrs Hong tries to defend her daughter, but it cuts off, because Suho’s right. Juyeong’s right. She’s mad, and she has a right to be. Suddenly the thought that he’s overstayed looms heavier than ever. Suho wants to go home, although he’s unsure, for a moment, where that really is. That lonely house? Or the one he knows Selena is occupying? “I can talk to her. She’s just stubborn, is all, that girl! Aish, she must’ve gotten that from me.”

“You don’t have to,” Suho’s respond is quick, and he means it. “You don’t have to, really,” he softens his words. “I... it was my fault. I will—”

“Yes, but she should’ve been more understanding! With your father and all,” Mrs Hong sounds disappointed. “Aigoo, you must’ve had it so tough...”

“No.” Suho isn’t sure where he’s finding this courage, but in the face of so much kindness given to him, it’s like he can’t stop. He doesn’t deserve this. If Jugyeong knew he’s here, intruding in the space where she must’ve felt the safest... She would hate him. “It _is_ my fault. I think... I think I’ve been meaning to apologise to you, Mr Lim, and you too, Mrs Hong. I — I couldn’t be there for her. I wanted to... care for her, your daughter, properly, but - I failed. I couldn’t do it.”

Mrs Hong makes a pitiful noise. “Oh, Suho, you don’t have to–”

“And a long time ago, too.” He cuts her off, feeling bad for it - but he can’t stop. He needs them to know. “I came here when I made a mistake, and I couldn’t apologise to her then, even though she - she helped me so much,” that night on the roof, the way he clutched to her when hours before he’d been yelling at her.

Why had she still come? She doesn’t need to, doesn’t have to, and yet—

He should be ashamed of himself. And he is, Suho thinks almost grimly. He’s so ashamed. He wished he would’ve stayed at US for a moment, wished he didn’t follow the advice of his therapist to return here.

“But I came, even when she didn’t want me here. Even when she asked me to leave. I’m so sorry.”

“Suho,” the voice that calls out isn’t Mrs Hong. It’s deep, and Suho realises, after being silent for so long, Mr Lim is addressing him. He’s sitting on Suho’s other side, a hand patting his back. When Suho looks up, he has this gentle smile, kind.

The same smile Jugyeong inherits.

Mr Lim says it once, “Take a deep breath.”

And he does.

And he realises he’s shaking, and his chest is tight, and he can’t really breathe. _What is he doing?_ He yells in his own head, desperately wanting to get his grip together. Being back in Korea— he thought everything would be... better. Everything about returning would have him feel much easier than he was when he’d been trapped in America.

But it’s almost the same. If not worse.

It takes him a while, but he does find some semblance of calmness. Mrs Hong puts a drink in his hand, clear water, and he drinks it like a madman, if only to distract himself from the saddening stares the three Lim family members are sparing him. He recognises their looks. Pity.

“You should talk to her again. Properly.” Mr Lim tells him. “Jugyeongie... She’s hurt. Her heart is still aching. Like yours is. That’s okay. She cares so much about you, and - if you care about her the same, I’m sure both of you could see it even if it’s hard to speak about it. We will forgive each other. We... yes, we will be alright again.”

It seems so easy, so effortless, like another dialogue spoken in a movie to move tears among the audience. Suho almost finds it ridiculous, if he also doesn’t find the huge wave of comfort that comes with it.

After tea and Mrs Hong packing mountains of side dishes for him even though he repeatedly insists that she shouldn’t have, Suho goes home.

He doesn’t meet Jugyeong that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spoiler alert: he meets jugyeong the next day
> 
> also a few things to point out  
> \- selena doesn't overwork her intern, at least not without paying  
> \- its actually chen (the idol jugyeong is working with) who's asking jugeyong to work on weekend  
> \- mr lim walks suho to his car because hes attentive and soft-hearted


	5. Chapter 5

Suho meets Jugyeong the next day.

It’s purely coincidental — or maybe it isn’t. Because Suho’s only here to meet Selena. The cafe is classy and possibly overpriced, but can give anyone the privacy they need with how much space one table is from another. Suho supposes that suits Selena somehow. That, and the fact that they also offer vegetarian options over here.

By the entrance, Suho bumps into Jugyeong.

He doesn’t notice her, not really. He isn’t sure where his head is.

Maybe he’s nervous — that makes more sense. With Selena, it’s more than just... more than just a mere discussion. Suho rarely vents because Selena expects a way to solve any issue or problem, a woman who aims for a solution than to simply entertain anybody. Sometimes... very rarely, she gives him the comfort he needs, but usually only because he asks. Only because he’s made it obvious that he’d only wanted her companion and nothing else.

More often than not though, his sister would get restless.

She can’t live a life directionless. In her own words, she doesn’t want him lost.

So, he’s aware that while Selena can help him when it comes to tangible matters and businesses and what-are-you-planning-to-do-now's, whatever emotional ties Suho has needs to be... It needs to have a plan. Like it can’t spill too much, and it can’t burden Selena with more things than she could handle, or what Suho initially asks from her in the first place. 

There’s a reason she sent him to see a psychiatrist.

She’s not there for him to unload the heavy thoughts and regrets and pain at, she’s there when he finally makes a decision about it.

So, maybe that’s why Suho hasn’t been noticing Jugyeong. Not until her voice perks up, and it’s a sweet voice. It’s a voice he’d recognise anywhere. The voice he yearned to hear for years, and he chased after just recently. But he can’t anymore.

Why does he keep hurting the people he loves?

“Lee Suho?” Lim Jugyeong is staring at him. She has make-up on, her hair down. It’s longer, wavy. Suho has this distinct memory at Namsan, under the snowfall, and how he’d cupped her face. How he had to make sure himself that she was real, that she wasn’t something he imagined just because he wanted it so badly to happen, seeing her there.

He wants to reach out again. Wants to see if he’s dreaming.

“Lim Jugyeong,” he whispers, and it hurts. _She’s right there,_ but Suho feels like they’re the furthest they’ve ever been. Even the time when they were separated by continents, Dad on the hospital bed, unresponsive, weren’t this horrible.

Suho suddenly wants to hurl.

“What are you...” She trails off, and he can tell she’s - she’s hurt too. It’s in the way her eyes go glassy, and she looks him up-and-down, like she can’t believe he’s there, a few paces away, too. “Are you following me?”

Suho doesn’t know why, but it almost feels like he’s back at the hospital, this time he’s younger. And he’d just wanted to visit Mom. But suddenly there’s this beeping noises, and nurses rushing in. Doctors, shouting over clipboards. Selena was running late. She had cram school that day.

Grandmother held his hand afterwards, and they sat in silence, staring at the blank wall, of the hallway, as they wait and wait and wait.

And the news, the doctor’s grim face when he comes out, Suho—

Suho feels like that. Like a slap to the face, like a hammer to his hand. Instinctively, he draws himself back. He steps away, his eyes to the floor.

He isn’t - _he isn’t following her_... right?

He doesn’t think he is. So, why is he here, then? Suho can’t remember, Suho doesn’t know why he’s here, why he’s back, and then, oh. Yes. He shakes his head, “No.” And how was it, that his voice can come out so steadily but everything inside of him feels like it’ll walk off from this skin any minute? “I, uh — ... I’m meeting someone.”

Suho doesn’t glance back at the restaurant. He’s not sure what he will see. Is Selena even here? He hasn’t checked.

“Oh,” is all Lim Jugyeong says, sounding baffled. “You must be busy.”

 _Not really,_ he wants to say. _He’s just so full of himself, and he hates it_. That’s all.

“I’ll get going then—”

Like a string being cut off on a puppet, like a trap being unfolded, Suho suddenly finds himself wanting to spring into action. He calls, before he can stop himself, “Jugyeong-ah.”

But for what? For what?

Jugyeong is staring at him, in this broken expectancy; like she hopes, but she knows she can’t have them for too long. Suho hears her father’s voice in his head. Patient, confident. _We will forgive each other. We will be alright again._

But will they? Every time, it’s like he’s putting out a match by creating more fire. It just keeps burning. He keeps hurting her. He hates this.

“You must be busy,” Jugyeong says again, quiet. She looks down. “I’ll get going.”

And she does, and Suho thinks he deserves this. This is what he’ll get. He left her, and now he’s the one being left in wait. Suho thinks apart of him wants to cry, but it’s like he’s run out of tears. Run out of energy to dramatically express the absolute heartache he’s been feeling for - for days. For years. He’s just staring dumbly now, at the spot where she was standing, immobile from doing anything else.

Until Suho feels a hand comes over the centre of his back.

He snaps his attention towards this new distraction, blinks. Selena’s face is blank, serious, though inquisitive. She doesn’t look impressed. Maybe she too, was left in wait. Suho almost finds that funny, the idea that they both were in the same boat, though from different circumstances. She ushers him inside.

“You haven’t told her,” Selena says as greeting.

“I haven’t seen her.” Suho answers, honest. Straightforward. The only way he knows how with Selena. She seems appreciative of it, humming once. Understanding the situation immediately. “Was she here to meet you?”

Suho thinks he shouldn’t be this intrusive, especially since he knows it’s best to not get himself involved. Not if it means it’ll hurt her like he had, like he has, like he’s always done. But it’s second-nature at this point. A habit he still couldn’t curb. He wants to know.

He’s pathetic.

“We had some business to discuss. I told you she hasn’t been performing well.” Selena says it like a hint, like she’s pushing the points forward on how unhealthy everything is. It’s not helping Suho.

“Was that why you made her work yesterday?” He’s bold, rebellious almost. Selena doesn’t look surprised, though. Suho thinks she should - after all, this was never like him. Suho isn’t always this argumentative, at least not with her.

But Selena takes it with grace. She cocks her head to the side. “And if I said yes, what will you do about it?”

Checkmate.

Suho, once again, is out of any coherent reply. She’s right. What could he have done? Intervened, when it wasn’t his place at all? He needs to get his head on straight. Wasn’t this what he came here for? “I messaged Noona saying I’d like to move out. Should there be any issue with it?”

“Issues? No,” Selena takes a water bottle. Twists it open, drinks. “I wanted to know why, is all. I know Seyeonie’s studio is still in there. That’s the reason you didn’t want to let go of that apartment at all the past few years.”

She’s right - again.

Suho is tired of her being right. Maybe this is what his former classmates felt every time he snatches the top first place during exams. He gets it now, why this could be a little irritating. Selena passes him the menu. Suho doesn’t glance at it.

“We could sell it. The equipments.” Suho says, “Or give it to a music academy, or - or a charity. Anyone who wants it. I don’t mind.”

“You’re serious about this,” Selena concludes and Suho realises, with just as much conviction he has when he tells Seojun to go for his feelings and finish the dates, that he is. He’s serious. The studio — it doesn’t terrify him anymore like it used to. But it still haunts.

And Suho’s so tired of ghosts.

“I want to give the piano to Seojun, though.” He says this with a smile, because he remembers Seojun secretly learning it when he thinks Seyeon and Suho wouldn’t notice. But Seyeon does, and they’d spent time like that, after school, hunched over the piano. Suho remembers feeling like he can’t intrude somehow when they do.

The piano has always been more Seyeon’s and Seojun’s then ever since, than it had been his.

"Han Seojun," his sister echoes. For the rarest of times, sounding wistful. "How is the brat doing?"

"Alright," Suho assumes. The last time they met... Well, that'd been awkward but it certainly - it's not something Suho regrets, not even when he wants to badly. He's fine with the choices he's made. It was the right to do. Yes, Suho tells himself - he can let his first love go, the one he himself abandons, if it means his friend doesn't have to suffer. Suho's accepted this fate. He has to. If not for Seojun and Jugyeong, for himself. He has to let it go. He has to be the supportive friend now. "He's training to be an idol. He'll be debuting soon, I think. Maybe you'll see him around, Noona."

"Maybe I will," Selena smiles, proud, and Suho wishes he could tell Seojun about this. He wonders if Seojun still remembers; if Seojun would care. _He would_ , Suho decides a second later. Because that's how Seojun had always been. He looks tough, but he doesn't cut off people as easily as he likes to pretend he is.

“The lease isn’t until the end of February," Selena's voice pulls him back. Suho concentrates. "You can still move in at our place before, but that should give you two more months for you to change your mind.”

“I won’t,” Suho says definitively. And - he doesn’t think he will.

He’s lived too long in that small space on his own. There are... memories there, sure. Happy ones. There are fragments of the place that he won’t have back once he’s gone, but — _Suho wants to be home._ Or wants to find it now, something closes to it, something more than just a bed to sleep in, and something that wasn’t a place to scurry and hide just because he couldn’t face Dad.

“Then, we have to find places to give all the things away to before February.” Selena replies as decisively. She seems convinced by his exclamation, and that - that eases a knot in Suho somehow.

_Someone trusts in him._

He should’ve known it’d be Selena.

“You’re making it difficult for my assistants, baby brother. They’re already busy, as is,” She waves a waiter to come. Suho scans the menu once. He’s right - the price is over the average budget for each dish. He wonders if it will hold up.

“You don’t have to ask your assistants,” Suho is quick with his reply. When the waiter comes, he gives his order. Roasted chicken. Selena’s a butternut risotto with spinach. “I’m sure Father’s secretary isn’t doing much.”

“Who do you think is in charge of Father’s secretary while he’s in the US, baby brother? Don’t play naive,” Selena’s smile is dangerous, but Suho knows she means no malice. “It isn’t cute.”

Suho’s roasted chicken is alright, but Selena finishes only half of her risotto. So Suho supposes the price didn’t hold up as well as he thought, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so in case u don't know!!!  
> \- seojun was the one who could actually play the piano in the webtoon, so i decided to put that in as a homage!  
> \- i lowkey have a headcanon that seyeon was seojun's first love only because that 0.1 second frame of hwang in yeop looking adoringly at chani and since i dont have the brain capacity to write _that_ fiction, imma hint it here


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was almost 4,000 words like ...... i would never ...... where did i find the energy? i suppose the power of suho and jugyeong truly did fuel me, huh. some of the convo here are ripped off from the k-drama, but with adjustments!

Selena gives him tasks to do.

It’s fairly simple enough, and it gives him goals, another list to pay attention to besides watching the time goes by, and filling the exercise books that he had purchased with solved equations and answers. Dad still calls him - or he calls Dad - at a certain time, every day. Suho would think he hasn’t much to say, but Dad is an easy talker, even post-comatose with how much time he’s lost.

He says his therapy is going very well, and the nurses were nice at the rehabilitation. One of them recognised him as a well-known actor, from a long time ago, and he was snickering about signing an autograph, even though he didn’t think he’d looked well-dressed enough for that.

Suho is mostly quiet, but he wonders if it’s genuine embarrassment that Dad harbours at being seen when he must’ve not been in his best condition, or he’s merely playing another part again, just to have something to say.

Regardless, Suho’s responses, he’d like to think, are polite and engaging enough. He wouldn’t never wagered, not years ago, that he’d be willingly sitting here, spending minutes close to an hour, just entertaining a father who — who still hurts. Everything about Dad still hurts — thinking about him, talking to him — even when Suho doesn’t want them to.

But maybe he’s gotten numb to them, too. Or, exhausted by the routine of continuously feeling angry, that he’s forgiven the old man in his own quiet, desperate way.

 _Forgive_ , he considers seriously, feeling tired, _but not forget_.

Other than that, Suho likes that Selena has asked him to look after people so there’d be places for his things to go to. He’d also been in contact with Dad’s secretary, whom Suho has always truly wondered what he’s been up to — or how the contract works now — since Dad hasn’t exactly been... well, _conscious_ to be an employer for the most part of the last two years.

Selena mentions, briefly, that she’d taken over Dad’s role — or at least, the ones who were working directly under Dad had been temporarily placed under her wings, but how does that work?

Suho doesn’t know, but Dad’s secretary has been helpful.

While Suho’s left to divide which of his stuff are to be donated, and which half will be sold, the man gets to work into filling up the gaps in between. Resources, potential buyers, and list of schools and/or organisations which would welcome even a tiniest bits of what Suho could offer will be filling up Suho’s email inbox every day. It’s - numbing, to go through the list.

Numbing but - it eats up his focus, it gets him to work.

It’s also... different than studying. Because he’s not - completely alone in this. He sits back in his chair and reviews the places and people he’ll be giving his furnitures and equipments to, and he knows that there other lives there, other people with their own personalities and quirks and opinions, at the end of his consideration. That’s... a little refreshing in its own way.

It startles him from thinking he’s - trapped, somehow.

Like all he has is his own body, his own thoughts, and there’s no way of escaping the nightmares and endless guilt and regret that comes with inhabiting this skin, when clearly there’s so much more. So many people who have other worries and concern and lives, and even if all they’re connected with are deals and contracts and business-based conversations, it’s still - a connection.

Suho can minutely appreciate that.

During one of the days, he’s got a text from the one person he least expects to see. Jugyeong.

_Meet me at Starbucks in front of my workplace._

And then, _After my shift is done._

Followed up with a hasty, _That’s 5pm. Don’t be late._

Describing Suho is nervous would’ve been an understatement. It’s - more than just simple anxiety. It’s dread. It’s remembering their last phone call, and all the memories he keeps in his phone, and the name he still doesn’t change. It’s all those times he’d done her wrong, and never properly apologised, but she’d forgiven him anyway because she’s always been so selfless. Always been so kind, Suho has never deserved her.

He tries not to let anything show.

He almost _did_ contact Selena, just to ask his sister what he should’ve done, but he retracts that action. She’s had enough of putting up with him with this bold decision to move, to let go of this apartment, to come back to Korea even though he could’ve well stayed in the US — Suho won’t burden her more than this.

He also almost contacts Taehoon, or Seojun too - but that’s ridiculous. He can’t bother Taehoon now that Taehoon’s advice seems convenient to him, and he can’t... he can’t unload his anxiety to Seojun because that wouldn’t have been smart. That wouldn’t been respectful.

So, Suho goes in alone.

By the time he arrives, Jugyeong is already seated. Suho debates going to the counter to order — just so he could prolong the minute until he has to confront her — but he doesn’t. He makes his way to her table, and Jugyeong is... She looks startled to see him, and wary. Like he’s a stranger she’s forced to meet.

Maybe he is.

“You're here,” She says.

“I am,” He tells her. “How was work?”

As if he hadn’t gone on that plane and never came back. The audacity of him, to act like time resumes for the both of them. Suho is tempted to vomit, just so this tension could go somewhere. Just so the guilt doesn’t double over, and burns him alive. Jugyeong pushes a paper bag he’d just realised she’s carrying.

“Fine. Here,” she says, clipped. “Mom and Dad were worried you weren’t eating, so they packed you more side dishes.”

 _Oh_ , Suho thinks with this distinct disappointment. _She must’ve known then, that he dropped by. Or he’d encountered her parents_. Another betrayal. Another mistake Suho wouldn’t know how make right.

“I saw you came by. I saw your car.” Jugyeong says, and her voice is small. She looks down to her laps, playing with her fingers. “I knew you’d only come because Juyoung begged you for a ride. You didn’t have to, you know!” She grumbles. “He must’ve been pushy. You could’ve said no.”

Suho’s chest tightens as much as his heartbeat softens. This is too much. Even when she seems upset that he’d visited, she is still - defending him.

“How could I?” He replies, quiet. “I didn’t mind anyways.”

“Still!” She insists, frowning. It’s - adorable. Suho misses that look. Suho just - misses her. A lot. “You’re too... Aish, Lee Suho.”

“Are you -” Suho swallows. “Upset?”

Jugyeong gives him a look, like she’s sad he’s asking her that, but doesn’t answer him. Doesn’t refute. Suho sits there in this mixture of more regret, guilt, and anxiety. He has to look away.

“Well. That’s all, I guess.” Jugyeong pushes a hair back. She seems tired all of a sudden. Suho wonders if it’s work - of if it’s him again. “Mom said you’re too skinny. You can give back all the containers any day.”

She starts to stand up, pushing her chair back to the point that it screeches against the floor, and makes it to the door.

Suho is dumbfounded, but — he stands too.

Follows after her.

“Lim Jugyeong!” He calls, his hand almost reaching to grasp it around the shape of her elbow, but he stops himself. Thankfully, Jugyeong turns just as they exited the premise. The January air is cold. Suho can see puffs of white escaping her mouth with each exhale.

She isn’t wearing nearly thick enough of a coat. He furrows his eyebrows, “Let me give you a ride.”

She frowns at him, starts to shuffle. “It’s okay,” she says. “I’m not Lim Juyoung. I’m not shameless.”

Somehow, for some reason, he smiles at that. Even if she’d been, he wouldn’t have minded. She could be shameless all she wants, and it would still be Lim Jugyeong that Suho thinks he’d come back to. Even if he shouldn’t. “I never said you were,” he tells her. She takes a peek at him. “I just wanted to give you one.”

She is quiet.

“It’s cold out.” Suho hastily adds, looking at the paperbag he’s holding. “It’s the least I could do.”

Miraculously, she nods, and follows him to his car. Suho has never been one to flaunt his wealth or what he possesses financially, but suddenly he hopes that his car — isn’t too much, or too little. That it’s enough. That it could warm them up and safely drive her home. That’s all that he wants. That’s all, he realises, he could ask for.

Suho gets inside, makes sure she is in, then starts the engine. He turns the heater on, hears the car rumbles alive under him.

Lim Jugyeong is quiet. She plays with her hand again.

Suho looks at her - but he feels like he shouldn’t. All he remembers is Seojun right across from him, speaking of a rejection. Of a promised heartbreak. What happens since, he wonders? It’d almost been three weeks now. He wonders if it’s - official, the two of them, or if what Seojun said came true after all. Suho doesn’t which is worse.

He supposes, either way, he has to know his place.

He’s just someone in the past for Jugyeong, someone who’d hurt her and left. He shouldn’t hope for more. He shouldn’t ask for much else than what she’s willing to give — even if that means nothing at all.

Still, he hears himself speak.

“Do you hate me?” Suho asks, swallowing around the question. He hates that he asks this; hates that, in a way, he’s truly cornering her. But - he has to know. He needs to. 

He doesn’t get the answer he seeks.

“You came back.” She tells him, still looking at her laps. Suho’s sure he could hear a pin drop with the silence that follows. Then she repeats, as if the first time wasn’t enough, hadn’t resonated with the atmosphere between them. “You came back anyway.”

Suho watches her, holding his breath.

With one heartbreak wrapped in one sentence, Jugyeong pushes through, and it hurts. It’s painful to hear she asks, so brokenly, “So, why did you do that?”

The surgery, maybe. The uncertainty that comes when Dad didn’t wake up day after day after day. Or maybe it’s years of watching his father on screen, but not once have the man made a proper appearance in Suho’s life after Mom passed away. It was always - glimpses. Of Dad trying to reach out for one week, then moving on when Suho shuts him out. Another film to shoot. Another business to attend to. _Oh, he didn’t respond? Guess I’ll focus on another thing until I remember I have a son again._

Suho’s been there - been at the end of a neglectful relationship. Or - an absent one.

And as much as he appreciates Selena, she too, had gone away a lot. In the end, Suho is always alone. In the end, when Suho wanted them the most to be there, all he could get is a voice over the screen. Or text in his inbox. Or a present in his mailbox.

But he doesn’t say all of that.

“Because it would be too hard for you to wait,” and that’s true, too. He remembers thinking about Jugyeong all alone, _sick_ , and he’s nowhere to be there for her. Nowhere to physically support and look after her.

She’d been kind, she wouldn’t have minded it, he knows — _but he can’t_. He wouldn’t allow it.

Jugyeong’s confession is wobbly. Full of heartache. “It was much harder than waiting.”

Suho stares at his steering wheel, and there it is, isn’t it? The extent of the damage he’d done. One phone call, and he destroyed everything. _He broke Lim Jugyeong’s heart_. Suho feels his throat tightens, and when he speaks, it’s soft. But sad. He keeps hurting the people he loves, and he can’t stand it.

“It was...” He admits, slow. “So hard for me, too.”

He turns to her. “Jugyeong-a, I’m... I’m sorry. I’m sorry for putting you through all of that. For making you suffer.”

This time, Jugyeong truly does look back at him. She’s teary-eyed, her lips are quivering. “Why are you sorry?” Her voice cracks, “I know how you felt. I do, but seeing you again... I’m reminded of how much it hurts.”

“I’m sorry for hurting you.” Suho tries smiling; a respond to counterattack his need to cry. A tear slips by his eye anyway. It rolls down his cheek, and Suho makes the quick action to hastily wipe it away. Jugyeong continues.

“You were hurting, too.” She argues. “It must’ve been so hard in that faraway land. You had no other family. You were in the hospital alone, unable to do anything. It must’ve hurt so much.”

Suho can’t help it — more and more tears run down face. He feels pathetic, crying again, in front of someone he’d hurt so much no less, but how can he not? Even when he’d been the one to cut ties, the one who abandons her, Jugyeong is understanding. Jugyeong is defending him. _Jugyeong is kind_.

Suho doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t.

“I was so so worried that I wanted to fly over, but... an eighteen year old has no money,” She cries too, swiftly wiping at her own eyes.

They’re both weeping so furiously now, and it’s - it must’ve been funny, looking from the outside, but Suho lets the moments stretch. Lets it pass. He tries to control his own sobbing, but it’s hard. His chest is tight, and for a moment, it feels like he couldn’t breathe.

In a distant recollection, far in his memory, he remembers the brown paper-bag that she got him. How he’s been carrying one with him, folded drastically, in his wallet. Thankfully, he doesn’t need them out now.

His crying passes, and, hiccupping, he manages, “We were too young, weren’t we?”

Jugyeong nods. “Yeah.”

“Don’t cry,” it’s instinctive — and Suho should mind his manners more — but for the moment, he finally reaches over. Cups her face and wipe her tears. For some reason, Jugyeong allows it. Lets him. “It’s okay.”

“You’re crying too,” Jugyeong manages, sobbing still.

“I’ll stop now,” he laughs brokenly, and pulls out a napkin. “Don’t cry.”

The car ride after is quiet, after.

Suho lets the soft music of the radio to fill the air while Jugyeong calms down. His own chest releases a few hiccups along the way, but it doesn’t render his mobility to commandeer the vehicle useless. He passes cars, and turn corners. It’s slightly different, driving in Korea than when he’d driven in the US. But he’s glad that he could do this one thing.

He’s glad that he could at least be allowed to take her home.

“Lee Suho’s all grown up now,” She says at one point, and Suho can hear a small smile in that tone. He tries to stop it, but that makes his chest feels light. “You can even drive.”

“It’s nothing special.” Suho explains, “It’s better, I guess. I don’t have to rely so much on public transports.”

“What’s wrong with public transports?” She pouts. “I still use them, you know.”

“Ah,” Suho manages. “I didn’t mean it like that. I meant - it’s easier. To get to a place promptly. I drive because if anything happens to Dad, I could get to him quickly when he was hospitalised.”

“Oh,” Jugyeong makes a soft sound. “I guess that makes sense.”

A pause.

“How is your dad?” She asks carefully. And, _oh_. What a loaded question. Suho remembers, a long time ago, how she’d gently asked him to give his dad a chance. And how he’d considered it. How he wanted to try, finally, to forgive him, not for everything, but just - to simply have a start somewhere—and then Dad had been sick. Had been the reason Suho had to go away.

It feels too much, to consider everything now. To put Jugyeong and his father in the same context again. It’s like taboo.

Suho controls his breathing. “He’s alright. He didn’t...” He speaks slowly - out of habit, mostly. Dad have always been famous. It’s become natural to be as cautious as possible. Rumours spread fast. “I think he didn’t take well at first that he missed a lot. Two years, right? But... he’s adjusting well, I think. We talk everyday.”

Jugyeong seems surprised by this. “You do?”

“Mhm,” Suho hums in confirmation. “I was with him the entire first month he’d woken up, but... I wanted to come back to Korea. Or - it looked like that on the outside, I suppose. I told him finally, about it, that I wanted to return, and... he resigned to the idea in the end. The next day, I booked a ticket. A week after, I flew out.”

“He—” Jugyeong hesitates. “He didn’t want you to go?”

Suho takes a while to answer this.

“As much as I was alone... He was too, I think. He didn’t have anybody else, too.” Selena, maybe. But Selena is still angry. She’d never forgiven Dad. She never finds any reason to. The only reason she still came by, Suho knows, was because of Suho, himself. He was running himself to the ground with the loss of his life in Korea, and she didn’t want him to sink deeper. So, she stopped by a few times; but she almost always go away too. “He wasn’t happy, but he also knew he couldn’t force me to stay.”

“Is he-” Jugyeong swallows. “Is he okay, now?”

“Mm,” Suho hums again. “His nurses are saying he’s doing alright. I’m in touch with his physical therapist. Dad’s rehabilitation should take about six months. If his health improves, he could travel again. He could work, even, if he wanted to.”

Jugyeong smiles. “I’m glad.”

That’s right. Since Dad’s health news have broken out, two years ago and now, a lot of people have been swayed into Dad’s favour. It’s - unfortunate. Almost a ploy, even, if one is critical and paranoid. Just when he’s finally facing the consequences of his actions over a dead idol under his agency, his life is hit with a tragic event, and the crowds automatically prays for him.

Whatever mistake he’s done, it’s forgiven. Just like that.

Sometimes Suho feels sick even thinking about it like that, but it isn’t wrong. And, in a way, maybe it’s a good thing the people of Korea celebrates Dad again. If he works, it will give Dad something to do. More than anything, Suho’s sure Dad is anxious about that: the nothingness, the absent of not being particularly needed anywhere.

Again, Suho is reminded by this string of unfortunate familiarity the Lees seem to share: their workaholic nature. Selena, with her obsession over her career. Dad, with his need to please people. And Suho, with his desire to be distracted from his depression. It nearly makes him laugh, the credulity of it all.

“Jugyeong-ah,” Suho calls, just as he rounds a corner of the Lim’s street.

Jugyeong turns to him, eyes expectant.

Suho pulls his car into park. “I’m not...” He swallows, looking at his shift gear, then, with a deep inhale, looks up. He’s going to break his own heart, but at least it’s his. He’s used to that. “I won’t ask you to be with me again. Not romantically.”

Jugyeong blinks at him. Gaping.

Suho shakes his head, “Not after what I’ve done, not after the way I... I hurt you.”

Jugyeong is quiet, frozen in her seat, and Suho can’t look at her. So, he stares at his own fist. He forces himself to finish.

“That was immature of me, huh? Just coming back into your life expecting everything to go back to the way it was.” He was stupid. Reckless. Top of his class, and MIT acceptance letter, but he’s still - so thoughtless. He didn’t think it through. “I'm sorry," He says again, his voice cracks towards the end. But he tries not to focus on that.

"I would still... I would still like it if I could be your friend, I want to still be apart of your life, but — I won’t ask for it if it’s not what you want. Not anymore.”

“You’d like to...” Jugyeong says it slowly, one syllable after another. “Be friends?”

“Yes,” He nods. “If that’s what you want, too.”

"You want to be apart of my life?"

Suho swallows. Meaning every word, he answers truthfully: "Always."

“Lee Suho.” She calls, after a minute.

Suho stares at her.

And then, with this small broken smile, she reaches out. Touches his cheek, and wipes _his_ tear away. Suho closes his eyes at that, basks in this tiny moment he could get from her. Jugyeong's voice is penance. “You know I forgave you a long time ago, right?”

Suho doesn’t know what that means - but then she’s out of the car. She shuts the door. That night, Suho drives home alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah, the thing about suho's driver's license rlly buzzes my brain too. like, when did he have the time to get a driver's license? idk. at first i was like "yea maybe he got it in the US, so now he's applying for the international permit to temporarily drives in korea before he gets his license there too" but then i was like...... shouldnt u be a US citizen to get a license there first? and then i found out, u could get temporary permit in some states in america, but then that still means suho doesn't have a proper driver's license, which means he most probably won't be able to apply for an international permit in korea and now im Confusion
> 
> so in my head, suho actually received his driver's licence (korean one) when he's like, 16, the age where he's allowed to, just because he could, but he didn't actually drive until he's in america, applying for a permit, to help his dad, and then now he's finally utilising it back in korea. THIS HAS BEEN A LONG TRAIN OF THOUGHTS ABOUT A LICENSE but as u can see i hyperfixate about the smallest details
> 
> thanks for reading though!!!


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